just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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