Well douche your snatch and let's go!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Randomize
