I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
