There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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