you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
