It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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