I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am naked and annoyed.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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