im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
