speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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