shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
