Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
