I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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