I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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