jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
