His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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