I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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