I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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