She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
