She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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