I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Can you bring me the toilet please
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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