remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
