If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
