i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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