do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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