Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
