sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
