Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
