so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
