omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize