I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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