So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
