I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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