we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
