He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
