just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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