I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
