i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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