Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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