At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
