In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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