I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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