Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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