What did we do last night that was yellow?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
