So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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