I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
