Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
