This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
