You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
