According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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