I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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