We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
