if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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