So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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