I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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