i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
