Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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