so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
