hotel room ftw
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
