The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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