Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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