Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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